You asked for it…Unedited...
Jeffrey Rose
Vegas Muse
Las Vegas/Sandy Valley
May 14, 2000
I’m the person who doesn’t play golf because the whole package is too
complicated. Also boring, but another time. This weekend I
was wowed by team penning. All you need to play are some friends,
about 30 small, fast cows, horses for your team, saddles, boots, bandanas,
pens, dirt, and a decent wine (for dinner). It is great fun.
However it probably won’t replace throwing a frisbee to your dog or sunbathing.
The Supreme court has abolished the Democratic Party. The vote was the regular five to four. Al Gore has promised to study the problem, perhaps by naming a bipartisan task force. George Lite has clarified his free trigger lock program. It is only for people who have no pistols. People who have pistols will receive a free license to carry concealed weapons. As for the Million Mom March, he extolled, “Let them eat trigger locks,” knowing that cake is fattening. Pat Robertson has warned Lite that John McCain will make a horrible vice president because of his “intemperate” personality. McCain had the intemperance to call Robertson an “agent of intolerance.” The former POW and current senator did unqualifiedly endorse Lite for president of…the National Rifle Association. Or was it of the Christian Coalition?
The administration is trying to put the Army’s Corps of Engineers under the control of the Army. Congress is objecting, adding a rider to the $73+ billion agriculture appropriation bill that forbids using federal funds to change the management of the Corps. Do they expect George Soros to bankroll any changes? It does not seem to matter to congress that the Corps changes data to justify unneeded projects. What matters is that the Corps delivers the pork. And deliver it does.
So maybe the Corps should take over the anti-missile missile system that cannot die. So an organization of 42,000 physicists doesn’t think it is technically feasible. So the Union of Concerned Scientists issued a 175 page report doubting its effectiveness. So a group of arms control and national security specialists think it would open us up to greater risk of attack and damage relations with Russia and China. No, politicians from both parties must have that extra protection from North Korean missiles.
The Army has admitted that there is credible evidence for General Kennedy’s (she said) groping charge against General Smith (he said). The New York Times interviewed 16 anonymous senior women military officers. Thirteen said that they had been the target of sexual harassment. None reported the incidents. They all thought that the only thing that could happen was damage to their careers. The “Tail Hook” navy solved its problem of having the president of the USNA class of 1998 possibly being gay. They got him to resign, then charged him $67,000 for his education. Straight white boys kicked out for cheating or taking drugs may not be charged for their education. Unfortunately gay black boys don’t have family or friends already in the command club. The military brass will study diversity programs in the private sector. Their first field trip is to the Olympic Gardens in Las Vegas.
Republican Senator Bob Smith has taken the title of Washington Loon of the Month. He believes Elian Gonzalez is being drugged while living in the Communist infested, luxury “concentration camp” in Maryland. “He’s got his communist playmates there so they can re-indoctrinate him.” It is a cinch that the Cuban family won’t want to move to Maine.
The FBI has found a way to decrease the sale of handguns in the United States. Just crash the background checking criminal database occasionally. They couldn’t even blame hackers or cyber terrorists. As we discussed last week, what halfway decent systems analyst would work for the government when they could work for stock options? The automated fingerprint system was also down, undoubtedly causing an influx of Communists into Maryland.
No one is sure what’s happening in Sierra Leone, but it sounds horrible.
There are revolutionaries, rogue Nigerian military, massacres, kidnapping
of UN forces, and financing from the sale of stolen diamonds. Our
administration will help with air transport support, but only if the UN
pays us. Since this is the black, icky part of Africa (not to mention
an election year), we send out the big gun…Jesse Jackson to find and fix
the problem. I support sending Louis Farrakhan.
Rudy G has announced that he has asked the Pope to permit shelf registrations for annulments. “You just never know when you’ll need one.” He also announced that Isaac Stern will play sad background music at all his future press conferences. Will he still run? Just say no, and he most certainly will. Just like when we were nine. Rudy will be moving his divorce to US District Judge Sparr in Denver. The judge gave Larry Driver six months in a half-way house for threatening to go on a killing spree because he did not like his divorce settlement. The judge sympathized, “He was married 24 years and the next thing he knew he has to turn over half of everything he owns to her.” A Georgia judge was not as sympathetic when Driver slashed the tires on a truck that had been awarded his ex.
Thousand Oaks, California, the home of the Stepford Wives, perfect nails, and Akio’s Sushi Bar has been named the second safest city in the US. Akio, the only ethnic person in sight, was too busy cutting fish to give his opinion. The ultimo safest city is nearby Simi Valley, the home of the Reagan Library. Across the passes, Los Angles is having to find another way to cut crime in their Rampart police division. Framing potential gang-bangers will no longer work. City revenue is being diverted to rooting out police corruption from more controversial projects such as public hospitals and child-abuse investigations. The big problem in San Francisco (not Muni) has been solves with the Board of Supervisors voting to ban weight-related discrimination. That leaves every possible minority group protected except for straight, male, healthy WASPs.
George Lite is certain (he says) that the 127 people put to death in Texas since he took office were all guilty. It is hard to disprove that since many didn’t have competent legal representation. After all, the state allows $1000 to pay for a court appointed lawyer’s preparation for each capital case. George doesn’t even remembering his veto of a law passed to raise the fees. He thought it had something to do with public defenders (who he is mostly getting rid of). I guess that if you are too poor to pay to defend yourself, Texas would rather pay for your room and board in prison.
The various land use experts agree that controlled burns are good. Only they aren’t sure when controlled burns are bad. We all know that they are bad when they are near nuclear weapons labs. Maybe the Corps of Engineers should take over the management of the National Park Service. But you never know. A fire in Lawrenceburg, Kentucky has caused contamination in the town’s water system. Something on the order of 20,000 gallons of Wild Turkey whiskey ran off into the Kentucky River, making the world’s biggest bourbon and branch cocktail.
Nevada finally got to be first in the US for something, the amount of
toxic pollution released into the air, water, and ground. The 1.3
billion pounds of toxins (750 pounds per person) is more than is released
by the whole national chemicals industry. No wonder everyone wants
to send their nuclear waste to Nevada. We won’t even notice a slight
increase in the glow on our horizon.
The world doesn’t change, or does it? Upper caste Indians are still killing lower caste people for marrying their children. But a survey of German businessmen and politicians has named Tony Blair as the most important European. A Frenchman was fourth.
All our trade pressure on Japan to open up their distribution systems has been to mostly no avail. The Internet is actually starting a social revolution that will transform their society. Manufacturers and farmers are able to sell directly, bypassing the enormous system of middlemen.
The English are still English (or Irish, Welch, Scot, Irish, West Indian,
etc.). The people of Golant in southwest England have no problem
with living on Cowshit Lane and do not particularly care to rename it.
And the BBC, the UK’s most valuable export, will not show live coverage
of the Queen Mum’s 100th birthday celebration. It would conflict
with some of their most popular soap operas, including the Australian “Neighbors”.
And in Australia, Edward Furtak finally returned home after six months
in the outback. He bought a used firetruck, filled the water tanks,
and drove. He needed to be in the middle of nowhere to quit smoking.
It worked.
Now we all know that the Philippines are the second hotbed of programming in Asia, after India. Even drop-outs from a middling computer school in Manila can bring down hundreds of thousands of computers all over the world. Feeling safer with those trigger locks? Feeling better alienating the Russians and Chinese? Got worthless warrants?
More serious problems in Silicon Valley than just astronomical housing prices. Cubicles are getting smaller. Rents go up. Space per employee goes down, now as low as 30 square feet, the recommended size of a veal fattening pen. It is the capitalist way.
If you have to answer a personal ad by calling a 900 number, don’t expect
to find your true love. Even if you need satellite telephone service,
you don’t need to invest in the company. If you are willing to pay
Celestis Inc. $12,500 to send your ashes to the moon, don’t be surprised
if they miss. If you believe Martin Frankel’s story that he stole
the $200 million from insurance companies to feed the poor, dial my 900
number to tell me why.
Showtime has picked up the rights to the British television show “Queer as Folk.” They will change the homosexual affair with a 15-year-old to a homosexual affair with an 18-year-old. The AbFab trio will be back together in a new BBC show called “Mirrorball”. Who cares what it will be about. “Beverly Hills 90210” is going, going, gone. I never watched it, but I bet you did.
Bob Hope went to Washington. The 98-year-old donated 88,000 pages of jokes to the Library of Congress. Scientololgist John Travolta produced a movie based on “Battlefield Earth” by Big Kahuna L. Ron Hubbard. It is already being called perhaps the worst movie of the century.
Country singer LeAnn Rimes (whom I’ve never heard of) is suing her father for stealing more than $7 million from her over the last five years. So do not ask me to judge country singers. Mick Jagger didn’t marry the Brazilian model who bore the latest of his seven children. So she is asking to increase her child support from $10,000 a month to $35,000 a month. What does she think the child is, a country singer?
Doodie.com is receiving up to 8 million visitors a month. It is based on classical defecation, not politics. I wonder if the good people of Cowshit Lane know about it.